I never knew how one question could so totally change my life. As I sat in the lecture at the end of my fourth year of Bible Study Fellowship I cried out in honest desperation to God, “I don’t even know if I have salvation or not, but if this isn’t it, You are going to have to show me what is!”
I was raised in the Catholic faith. When I was 30 I came to know the Lord through the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. Immediately, I turned and began to pursue God as passionately as I had tennis, social activities and my interior design business. I began to attend church at a non-denominational Charismatic church that majored on inner healing (healing of the memories) and on deliverance. God taught me well for six years in that ministry, a prayer group, bible studies and any other place I could find Christians coming together to learn about God. I was tap dancing for God in triple time.
It was a wonderful time in many ways. I found in inner healing that I could look at myself and talk about the things that I was not proud of that my life had contained. I found new freedom in being delivered from the clutches of the devil in many areas of my life. I pushed myself in every direction to excel at this Christian life. And yet on that day I felt like such a failure as a Christian that I cried out to God in despair. I even surprised and puzzled myself.
Nothing immediately happened and one day turned into the next until about six weeks later when God brought four scriptures to me that I had read a thousand times. This time I “knew” them in a way I had never before experienced…revelation. The scriptures were Romans 6:6… “knowing this that our old self was crucified with Him that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin”, 6:4…“Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life”; Ephesians 2:6…”and raised us up with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus” and Psalms 37:4…“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”.
In an instant I knew I was dead and a dead man did not need healing. ALL my inner healing went “out the window”. In the next instant I knew that I sat at the right hand of the Father in Christ and that Satan was not there! The need for deliverance or to ever fear or fight the devil was gone. And finally, I knew that if God gave me the desires of my heart I could trust myself and my desires…for the first time in my life. I had always been taught that our hearts were wicked and God’s way was the opposite of anything I wanted. All that had held me until now was like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. That day I knew complete healing!
The answer to my question had come in the most unexpected way! I knew that what I had known and believed was no longer true. I did not know what was; I just knew what was not. I did not know what lay ahead, but I knew I could never go back. My head was spinning as I realized that God had a totally different way of seeing things than I did and than I had been taught. I also knew that His way of truth had to span from Genesis 1:1 through Revelation 22:21. The next morning I asked God how He saw submission and He immediately said to me, “It is being, not doing.” Somehow I knew that all of life was meant to be that…being, not doing.
I tried for a year to find a church that understood and taught the truths that God had given me, but to no avail. It was then that I discovered a magazine called Union Life whose articles seemed to be on the same wavelength and I decided to go to a weeklong conference for women in Wisconsin, which they sponsored.
I was a little leery due to my experiences during the prior year of trying to find someone who understood what God had revealed. The main speaker was a man named Norman Grubb. As the week progressed I discovered that everything that he taught confirmed what God had given me. And along with those basic truths he presented from years of walking in/as Christ came an expanded understanding of God, myself…spirit, soul and body (my personhood) and how they perfectly fit together. He spoke of God and Christ as our life in three broad strokes…God being the only Person in the universe and all life being derivatives of that One; of us being perfectly created in our humanity as containers of His life; and that our lives are now to be given as intercession for others.
Getting my soul (feelings, emotions) in its proper perspective was God’s next new understanding for me. This began one day with feelings of extreme jealousy toward a very close friend. Up to that time I had seen my emotions as some right; some wrong. That day I spoke to my feelings with all I had to give, saying… “I am not jealous of her; I am Christ in my form.” The Lord immediately replied to me… “You are not jealous of her, you are jealous for her; it is My jealousy in you for her to know me as you do”.
I reeled at the thought that something that felt so ugly could be so right! I began to search the scriptures for further understanding and saw that God says He is a jealous God; He says He hates; He expresses anger, and admonishes us to “Be angry and sin not”. He is also all of the fruits of the Spirit…love, joy, peace, patience, etc. I realized that everything HE is in scripture He will be in and as us! It was a new day in being able to be all I would need to be in order to be an intercessor for others.
God soon took me on to that third level of losing my life to find it. This came about as the result of a harrowing two years of conflict. It was then that I heard as clearly as I have ever heard anything, “You are whole complete and needing nothing. No one can add to you by their approval, nor take away from you by their disapproval. You have seen who you are as Christ; now you will see who I am as you.”
Dead…safe…whole…free…one…new…kept…freed from sin…holy…saint…as He is…have become my permanent reality.
I understood the scriptures in a new way, no longer as something to attain or do, but as the present truth and reality for myself and for every believer in Christ Jesus.
Dead…Gal 2:20…“I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me…”
Safe… Jude 1:24… “Now to Him who is able to keep you from falling.”
Whole…James 1:2-4… “…that you may be whole, complete and needing nothing.”
One…John 17:22… “…that they may be one even as we are one.”
New…II Cor 5:17…“If any man be in Christ he is a new creation, old things are passed away all things become new.”
Free…John 8:32, 36… “And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free…if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.”